I have been unfair, haven’t I, coming into your life uninvited, unsettling you and then leave you hanging?
I have been busy, I am sorry. Sometimes I have the time, but I need to be in the right emotional state to write to you. It is not an easy thing this one that I am doing, some may even say it is unnecessary, but my sanity needs it.
Where were we the last time? I was telling you about the affirmation I found in your husband’s eyes?
That was no lie. But I also found many other things.
If you would take some time to indulge me, I’d really appreciate it. I remain aware of how selfish I am to be writing to you in this way.
You and I have only ever been in the same place twice.
The first time, I still had the arrogance of youth. So I didn’t duck or hide. I sat there and we both watched him doing the thing he was doing. Of the many things I gave your husband, one of them has always been the peace of mind of knowing that I would never do anything to upset our lives. Even though I was drinking that day, there wasn’t a moment where he looked worried. In all honesty I could have been extra but I wasn’t and he knew I wouldn’t.
The second time, more recently, when I see you and feel your energy it is four years later. I want to run the moment I spot you. Why the hell had he not prepared me? But in all fairness I had been upset with him that week and had not discussed whether or not I would be there that day.
It’s a public gathering, you don’t know who I am, but I want to run.
Other than the fact that I am older this second time I am in the same place with you, there is another change that makes me more afraid of you and your presence.
This time your husband and I are in a rhythm, a thing. I want to say relationship, but a relationship is a two-way thing. But we are in a thing that is both strong and undeniable. I love him. He has whatever feelings he has for me but he is stored as ‘My Love’ in my phone. One, because he had jokingly queried my storing him using his name and secondly because at that time he really was my love. This is why I am scared of you.
I stare at you because I can’t stop myself. You catch me. I look away, but feeling like my cover is completely blown. Your husband is in the crowd, no doubt laughing with or at someone.
I get into a disagreement with my friend because I want to leave hurriedly, I don’t want to risk the chance of me spotting him while you are looking at me. I worry that you might immediately spot it, me, my heart. I want to leave.
Before I see you that day, a few weeks prior while chatting the subject of what would happen if you ever found out came up. How would he explain six years to you?
We joke and laugh about it. We laughed a lot, there is a thing too about his laughter. But that is not for today.
It’s the same question I ask myself when I am alone, how would I feel if I had a partner who was not only cheating, but had been seeing someone for 6 years?
So there is guilt too that day when I see you, it is mostly why I want to leave.
If I am to be totally honest with you, you must know that the first three years were me. I was the one drawn to him, I was the one addicted to him. Three years of unrequited love. Even when he started seeing me, it was with disregard most of the time, it is only really towards the end that I felt a flicker of something from him. But that is a story for another day.
Your husband made sure boundaries were drawn, right from the start, always. Lucky for me, I never did want to cross them, well maybe not always. I do however take pride in the fact that if there ever was a weird call in the middle of the night or a message, it was never from me.
I respected you right from the onset. You may argue that my respect is empty, that had it been full and true that your husband’s penis would never have known the back of my throat.
You would be right too.
Respect though, has been one of my greatest lessons learnt from sleeping with your husband.
In my own way, mine and his, we respected you. To this day, even as we watch ‘our thing’ die, you have never found out.
In the beginning, I didn’t always ask for the same for me. There were things that I allowed from your husband that I never should have. But I did eventually put my foot down and demanded respect from him. I didn’t ask him to love me, but I needed for him to respect me. And he did. I wish I had always known that all it would take was me asking. Because of that I will never go into any relationship with a man who did not know to respect me.
I learned that relationships don’t necessarily need love to thrive; they do just fine with respect, regardless of how many people there are in the equation.
I have managed to upset myself now thinking about the things your husband has put me through, I need to stop. I hope to chat again some day.