Torment of lost friendship

Hello, it’s me.

I was wondering if after all these months you would like to meet, to go over everything?

I don’t even know what everything is at the moment. But there’s a lot. Remember all those times we used to talk about boys breaking our hearts?  How through our friendship we were able to laugh and see each other through many of those moments?  We could never have imagined at that time I suppose, that one day we would need to deal with us breaking up. That one day I would be sitting here needing someone to laugh and cry with over losing you. I have yet to come across a book that tells me how to get over us not being okay, with the loss of a friendship spanning a lifetime.

They say time is supposed to heal you. But I haven’t done much healing.

I have gone over the events that led to our break up many times in my head.  I have replayed them so many times that I can no longer tell fact from fiction. The only constant of the many  emotions   I have gone through has been guilt.  This may seem odd and selfish but I have also been angry, yes at you. You gave up so easily on me, on us. I know you were looking out for yourself, you have told me this. But I wish you had looked out for us too. I wish the memories had made you want to fight for us, the kind of memories you spoke of, albeit not directly to me, of the songs and dancing.

Hello. Can you see me? I’m in Polokwane dreaming about who we used to be, when we were younger and free. Before the world fell at our feet.

I have seen you a handful of times since then, all of the times a consequence of circumstances, never willingly. It has always felt very strained to me. I have often wondered if you felt the strain as well? Or was it a case of me being weighed down by guilt?  I sat right across from you last week, I wonder if you could see my anguish and discomfort? I was so uncomfortable even wine didn’t taste good. Over the months, the memories have in my mind started to seem and feel bigger than the reasons why the world fell at our feet.

There’s such a difference between us, and three hundred kilometres.

We have always been so different between you and I, this is a difference that has always been welcome. It allowed us to have genuine conversations, that were real and raw. But I am afraid this time the difference has been one of the things that has allowed us to further drift apart. There is me always reaching out with my heart on my sleeve and you firm and resolute in the finality of the situation. And that is who we have always been, only this time it is working against us, against me.

It’s so typical of me to talk about myself I’m sorry.

Except I am not sorry, because all I have to discuss is my feelings. How could I have yours when you have never once started to tell me how you feel, are over this whole thing? Does it tear you apart as it does me? Have you made peace with us not being okay? If you have, please teach me, this one thing, this one last time.

I’m sorry for breaking your heart and your trust.

*inspired by Adele’s Hello

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